The Blind Date Marathon: Charles

Showing posts with label Charles. Show all posts

Monday, 17 October 2011

Date 12: Crow – The Chronic Bail

Who set me up this time

Alex

I met Alex through Kelly. They were at university together. The first conversation I ever had with Alex was about strap-ons. It was incredibly dodgy. Since then we have tried to improve our topics of conversations but we always drop back into low tones unfortunately. Alex is a fun and principled guy and a great friend.

What do I know about him

In Alex’s words Crow is definitely up for it. Literally just hours before I had sent my dating marathon request email I received a text from Crow. A bit keen I thought! He has recently moved homes so he is interested in meeting new people. Fair enough.

Alex warned me several times that Crow is not suited to me. I asked him why but all Alex was able to say is that ‘judging by the way he was with his last girlfriend you probably won’t get along. You guys are just different.’

First impressions

Crow got in contact by text message. Crow sounded like an interesting character. He was going to Belgium on business, he was playing in big football stadiums and going to various festivals. However, something about his style of writing lacked character. I thought his texts were sometimes too dry. Whenever I tried to add humour to the conversation he would always reply with something like this, ‘random lol.’ He was not the wittiest texter but he seems to lead a busy and fun-loving life so i wasn’t put off.

What happened

This ‘date’ was a non-starter really but I learnt so much about what I look for in a date that I could not leave it out.

Crow messaged me a few times but we had conflicting schedules. He kept in touch with the odd message about his new house, drunken evenings and sometimes just a simple ‘how are you?’ I have to give a bit of firm advice here. I don’t recommend texting anyone a message that merely says these three words: ‘how are you?’ This could possibly be interpreted as a friendIy way to start a text conversation but I think it is more likely to come across as if you have nothing interesting to say and that you are just contacting someone for attention. It might sound harsh but it is a fact that if you want to approach someone by text message it definitely helps to keep it interesting. Crow could really do with some tips from date10 Martin Fail or date6 Charles Train Wreck in this department. But if you are just not a texter then never fear. They don’t have to say much. It could have been: ‘hi, how is the dating going? Did you still want to meet up soon because I have a good idea of where to go.’

Crow went on a couple dates with someone else so we stopped contact. 2 weeks later they had stopped seeing each other so it was on again! I was looking forward to meeting Crow. But he didn’t sound very together. Crow never came up with a plan. One of his texts said something like, ‘why don’t we just meet up and decide a plan from there? I know lots of places so should find something easily.’ I think that planning is key to a great first date. Like it or not, few women want to faff about with a man who didn’t come up with a plan.

I am not going to explain what happened next. I am just going to paste our text conversation and give you my opinion afterwards:

Crow (Tue): Sat evening is good with me, fingers crossed we can celebrate ur theory too x

Me (Fri 19:38): Hey, what did you wanna do tomorrow? I am pretty confident about my theory. X

Crow (Fri 20:54): Ah that’s cool. Good luck! I might not be free till 7 is that ok? We can go for drinks or a meal if you want? X

Me (Fri 20:37): Thanks. 7 sounds good for me too.

Crow (Fri 21:41): Cool, where do you wanna meet? X

Me (Fri 21:44): Anywhere that links to Kings Cross is good.

Crow (Sat 00:54): Let me see what lines r working in the morning r u sure that late is ok x

Me (Sat 00:57): It’s not that late? That’s when I get into London if I go after work sometimes. Looking forward to it. x

Crow (Sat 01:02): That’s cool then I just wanted to check! Might be easier if we meet round Piccadilly or Oxford Circus

Me (Sat 08:22): Hey are you defo going to be free from 7? I have a feeling you’re going to be hung over! Text me confirmation by 9.10 if you can! X

Crow (Sat 12:20): haha y that feeling? I’m just in Southend watching football game but can be there at 7, up to u if you want to make it tonight or another time, I hope ur theory went well x

Me (Sat 13:06): O yea passed with 100%. Only because you text me at 1am. Yes lets stick to the plans. I’ll be on oxford street at 6 to go shops. See ya around 7? X

Crow (Sat 15:03): awesome congrats, can we do tomo instead? I’m going to be so late back into London I think x

It might sound harsh but at this point I lost all remaining interest in Crow and decided to move on to the next date.

I believe that Crow had decided that our date was inconvenient by about Friday morning but didn’t have the balls to make a decision on that until about ....actually he never did make a decision. He tried to put me control the whole time by implicitly suggesting that I should call off the date. Man up in future crow! If you have to cancel then just do it and give as much notice as possible. If you feel bad for inconveniencing your date then simply apologise! Don’t be so passive or suggest that she needs to make the decision and don’t say that you can make a date when you blatantly know that you’re going to fail.

I had reserved my Saturday evening for him, bought a travel card into London and he was turning out to be a wiener of a let-down.

HOW TO CANCEL A DATE

If you need to cancel because you have mismanaged your time or for any other reason simply say something like this:

“I am so sorry but I have to call tonight off. INSERT REASON. I hate to inconvenience you and still really want to meet up. I hope I can make it up to you soon and will be in touch.”

It might also help to give him/her a call.

Even this message sounds rubbish but at least you’re being assertive, empathetic and honest. Don’t forget to GIVE AS MUCH NOTICE AS POSSIBLE. Even if you want to cancel but not rearrange for another time some manners and honesty will obviously help.

I still believe that Crow is a nice guy! From everything I know he seems quite fun but just not very reliable. When I told Alex about so-called date number 12 he laughed, “argh that is so typical. He is always bailing last minute even with his best friends”. A few months ago I read an article that suggested that every social group has a ‘chronic bailer’. This isn’t someone who says that they might not be able to make it and then doesn’t. This is someone who says they’re going to come and then bails out last minute. Everyone I have spoken to about this article has been able to relate to it.

I summarise the theories they gave for chronic bailers:

1) The bailer knows that they can’t come but they are frightened of being rejected by the social circle so they say that they will come just to try and stay in the loop.

2) The bailer is too passive to say no

3) The bailer struggles to manage time

4) The bailer is frightened of being lonely so they arrange more social engagements than they can manage to help ensure they are not alone

5) The bailer rejects the group last minute as a way to feel wanted or superior

6) The bailer tries to play ‘hard to get’ to try and get people to like them

7) The bailer is seeking social approval of someone outside the group and so last minute decides to stay with that person

8) The bailer is too passive-aggressive to admit responsibility for letting down other members of the group

9) The bailer is just over anxious or lazy

10) The bailer is not empathetic enough to realise that they are inconveniencing others

All of the above traits are apparently linked to low self esteem, high anxiety and high need for social approval. I am not sure how much of this agree with. But I bet we can all apply some of them to our circle’s bailers!

Who is your chronic bailer? Everyone has one. Maybe Crow is Alex’s?

As always Crow is a friend of a friend and I think that he is probably a really nice guy. Evidently though we are not at all compatible. From date12 I realised that witty humour, assertiveness and time-keeping on a first date are really important to me.

Would I go out with him again?

We didn’t even manage it the first time. I don’t want to try dating him again!

I have actually met him at a get together that Alex hosted. He is actually a great guy who is nice to talk to and a laugh! He also looks weirdly like Chris Martin, but we are friends material for each other.

What do other people say?

Sounds like Crow is a ‘nice guy’ but he’s he doesn’t sound like a good date! Or in Alex’s words

“in my words you and Crow are not suited as Crow is quite a passive person and I believe you are more dynamic. I also think that apart from travelling you and Crow have nothing in common. I look forward to reading this one in particular”

Would I recommend him to a friend?

Date Planning 0

Rapport 5

Sweetness 4

This was date 12 in my dating marathon. Click the links below to read about my other dates.

Date 1: A – Full frontal nudity

Date 2: Seb – A man in tights

Date 3: Alan - the softy

Date 4: Christian – Hot Trinidadian

Date 5: Darren – Too into his ex

Date 6: Charles – Trainwreck part I
Date 6.5 Charles – part II Wait a minute Kelyn, What are you doing?

Date 7: Nick the Greek

Date 8: Brett – Poptart

Date 9: Mark – Bowling and Politics

Date 10: Martin – FAIL
Martin’s Perspective

Date 11: Daniel – DILF

Date 12: Crow – Chronic Bail
Date 13: Jubilee –French Accent

Date 14: Dan – A Black man in Waitrose?

Date 15: James – Relationships are like Laptops
Date 16: Cooper – The Booty Call

Date 17: Brendan – When a man Out-dresses You

Date18: Sam – The Reluctant Dragon

Date 19: Ami – My Lesbian One Night Stand

Date 20: Devontay – If I were a few years younger...

Am I too easy or too fussy?

Follow in my footsteps – why go on a blind date marathon?

Lessons Learnt - Conclusion

THE END - Epilogue

The Cupcake Flop Theory – yes this is about sex

The Geeky Part – The Results Table

Who have I stayed in touch with?

Why are you still single? How to answer the question

Best places to go on a date - London

Monday, 12 September 2011

Date 6.0 Charles – “Well that was a train wreck wasn’t it?”

Who set me up this time

Rahul#1.
I have two friends called Rahul who also share a last name. I refer to this Rahul as #1 because I met him first. Rahul#1 is a politics student who always has controversial opinions. Rahul#1 and I have been friends since freshers week. We have had many tears of laughter together. Rahul#1 and I don’t have huge amounts in common but we both enjoy travelling, debating, sushi and laughter. He is well formally educated, has a hash of liberal and conservative values, hardworking and loyal. One of the things I most respect about Rahul is that he is a real go-getter who is always busy. I expect that, in line with the rest of my male friends, Rahul will pick me out someone financially comfortable, classy, hardworking and gentlemanly.

· What do I know about him

All I got from Rahul#1 is that Charles is American and British, soft-natured and lives in Chelsea. They know each other from working for a blue-chip company as Management Consultants.

Charles sent me a lovely email to initiate hello:

“Hey Holly,

How is it going? Having a good week so far? So Rahul passed on your email address to me yesterday and said I should get in touch.

Hope this doesn't seem a little strange writing stuff to someone you don't even know but he told me about you and it would be lovely to grab some dinner at some point.

Rahul said you are writing some articles for a blog and that you went to Uni together but are now living back in Hertfordshire...well I look forward to finding out more.

Speak soon.

Best Regards,

Charles”

This is the perfect way to say hello to your blind date. It is friendly, relaxed and polite. I am very curious about the date that Rahul has selected for me!

· First impressions

I must have looked like rather odd when Charles and I saw each other. We met on Hyde Park Corner in a summer storm. I was wearing trainers to keep my feet fast and dry and a men’s oversized raincoat for the rest of my body. I felt bad for looking such a state on a date! But I had a dress on underneath and shoes in my bag.

Charles is a warm and welcoming person. My first impression of him was that he was gentlemanly, smartly dressed, soft and tall! Very tall. I’d say about 6”7 to my 5”4.

What happened

Out of principle, I have been stubbornly against cancelling any of my dates. In this case not cancelling turned out to be a rather stupid decision. We met on a Sunday and the Thursday before I had spent 6pm-3am drinking in Soho and then gone to work after only 2 hours sleep. This binge-drinking behaviour is uncharacteristic of me (not counting my student years). But Sneeze had just got a new job and we went to a spontaneous party to celebrate. This night was one of the most brilliant nights out in London that I've ever had. However, it resulted in me lying down in the coffee room the next morning to be found by my colleague. Luckily he was one of my more chilled out colleagues who was supportive and good humoured about the incident. The worst thing about this wild party is that it ended in me losing my voice and developing tonsillitis. And come Sunday, I still couldn’t talk!

Charles was sympathetic that I had no voice and said that he would be happy to lead the conversation. We walked in the pouring rain to the Thai restaurant called ‘The Mango Tree’ where Charles had made a reservation. They took my mens raincoat and put it in the cloakroom amongst all the classy coats that other people had left. The Mango Tree is a stylish popular restaurant. The service was good and I enjoyed the food. As I couldn’t speak very loudly or very much I think that an awkward air started to circulate. Nevertheless, Charles turned out to be one of the most interesting characters I have ever been on a date with.

We began with normal small talk such as ‘where do you work? Where do you live? Etc.’ Then we moved on to discussing where we grew up. Charles’s childhood sounds very different to what I know. He seems to have a very close family but he spent most of his teenage years living apart from them. His parents moved to the US (where his father is from) when he was about 14 and he lived with his older brother until he went to university. As Charles described, in contrast to my 7 person household, he has spent most of his life living by himself.

Charles had had a few troubles in his teen years. He went to a school that sounded rather prestigious but he did not enjoy it. He complained about the way teachers treated pupils. I am not unfamiliar with this complaint! A lot of teachers (not all of course) in the UK are both idiots and bullies and I certainly witnessed some horrible things in education. Charles went to a private all-boys school which sounded a bit old-fashioned to me. He said that one of the teachers put him down for being chubby. It came as a shock that Charles had been chubby or ‘fat’ as he more bluntly put it. These days, Charles seems to be in good shape! I couldn’t help but ask a few probing questions about his weight loss. I know that talking about weight on a date is normally forbidden. But this came up in conversation plus I am genuinely impressed by anyone who has managed to get from fat to trim. Charles explained that when he was a teen, he had been injured in a car accident that put him out of action for a long while. This obviously led to a lack of exercise and a perhaps bit of comfort eating. And he said he got very fat! Charles told me that by about sixth form, he had got back into shape, back to being confident and in contrast to his teens, he thoroughly enjoyed uni. This was probably quite a deep conversation for a first date. But it worked for Charles. I love hearing about people’s ‘character forming’ experiences.

Charles is somewhat unconventional and quirky. He comes across as very in touch with his feminine side. There might even be times when he comes across as a little camp. He’s softly spoken, classy and despite his striking height, he is not at all butch. His favourite films/programmes are Hitch, What Women Want and Gossip Girl. These are not bad choices but they are usually stereotyped as for chicks. I think Charles’ intimacy with his feminine side might put some women off. I really think its fine for a man to be into rom-coms. As a child I was a absolute tom-boy and I got furious if anyone told me that I shouldn’t play football, climb trees, play with mighty max etc because I’m a girl. So I say to hell with gender stereotypes! Do what you want.

From my analysis of Charles I would suggest that he has the classic signs of someone who has had to beat shyness. I don’t want to draw too many conclusions about someone from just one date but this is how Charles came across to me. Signs include: oscillating from quiet awkwardness to bursts of warm conversation, always up for getting involved in activities that are a little random (e.g. a blind date with a blogger), jokes about his own expense e.g he confessed that he failed his cycling proficiency. In his words ‘i was too lame to take my hand off the handle bars’ and apologising (e.g saying sorry for having a cold or having a soft drink instead of alcohol. These are all signs of someone who was naturally a little self conscious but is still sociable and happy to extend his comfort zone.

There were lots of interesting or perhaps I should say ‘awkward’ moments on our date. There was the point when Charles says he hates French people and they hate him - (not very pc!). Charles also had the sniffles. He was snorting a lot at the dinner table which is an innocent problem but I advise him to bring tissues next time he dates someone! When I gave him my tissues he then didn’t know where to put them after use. I advise your pocket, the loo, your lap or even your sleeve. Not the table which is where Charles resorted to! Oops... It’s a bit off putting!

Otherwise, Charles has impeccable manners and I hate admit that my manners are not as polished as his! I had a good evening with good food. I always wanted to try The Mango Tree and I am impressed with Charles’ choice of venue. On the other hand, we were both sick and kind of ill at ease. After the meal, I mentioned that we should probably just go home and Charles responded with a self conscious smile ‘O god, this was a train wreck wasn’t it?’

HAHA it wasn’t a bad one. Having said that, turning up in a deluge with no voice was stupid of me!

I found Charles funny and incredibly intriguing. As I had no voice and neither of us were on top form, I asked for a re-date. In response to Charles’ passion for rom-coms I decided it was best we go see one! So we went to see Bridesmaids! Click HERE for what happened next.

This was date 6 of my dating marathon. The dare was to do 20. Click on the links below to read the rest of my dates:

The Blind Date Email: http://thedatingmarathon.blogspot.com/2011/08/blind-date-email-request.html