Monday 17 October 2011

Date 12: Crow – The Chronic Bail



Who set me up this time
Alex
I met Alex through Kelly. They were at university together. The first conversation I ever had with Alex was about strap-ons. It was incredibly dodgy. Since then we have tried to improve our topics of conversations but we always drop back into low tones unfortunately. Alex is a fun and principled guy and a great friend.
What do I know about him
In Alex’s words Crow is definitely up for it. Literally just hours before I had sent my dating marathon request email I received a text from Crow. A bit keen I thought! He has recently moved homes so he is interested in meeting new people. Fair enough.
Alex warned me several times that Crow is not suited to me. I asked him why but all Alex was able to say is that ‘judging by the way he was with his last girlfriend you probably won’t get along. You guys are just different.’
First impressions
Crow got in contact by text message. Crow sounded like an interesting character. He was going to Belgium on business, he was playing in big football stadiums and going to various festivals. However, something about his style of writing lacked character. I thought his texts were sometimes too dry. Whenever I tried to add humour to the conversation he would always reply with something like this, ‘random lol.’ He was not the wittiest texter but he seems to lead a busy and fun-loving life so i wasn’t put off.
What happened
This ‘date’ was a non-starter really but I learnt so much about what I look for in a date that I could not leave it out.
Crow messaged me a few times but we had conflicting schedules. He kept in touch with the odd message about his new house, drunken evenings and sometimes just a simple ‘how are you?’ I have to give a bit of firm advice here. I don’t recommend texting anyone a message that merely says these three words: ‘how are you?’ This could possibly be interpreted as a friendIy way to start a text conversation but I think it is more likely to come across as if you have nothing interesting to say and that you are just contacting someone for attention. It might sound harsh but it is a fact that if you want to approach someone by text message it definitely helps to keep it interesting. Crow could really do with some tips from date10 Martin Fail or date6 Charles Train Wreck in this department. But if you are just not a texter then never fear. They don’t have to say much. It could have been: ‘hi, how is the dating going? Did you still want to meet up soon because I have a good idea of where to go.’  
Crow went on a couple dates with someone else so we stopped contact. 2 weeks later they had stopped seeing each other so it was on again! I was looking forward to meeting Crow. But he didn’t sound very together. Crow never came up with a plan. One of his texts said something like, ‘why don’t we just meet up and decide a plan from there? I know lots of places so should find something easily.’ I think that planning is key to a great first date. Like it or not, few women want to faff about with a man who didn’t come up with a plan.
I am not going to explain what happened next. I am just going to paste our text conversation and give you my opinion afterwards:
Crow (Tue): Sat evening is good with me, fingers crossed we can celebrate ur theory too x
Me (Fri 19:38): Hey, what did you wanna do tomorrow? I am pretty confident about my theory. X
Crow (Fri 20:54): Ah that’s cool. Good luck! I might not be free till 7 is that ok? We can go for drinks or a meal if you want? X
Me (Fri  20:37): Thanks. 7 sounds good for me too.
Crow (Fri 21:41): Cool, where do you wanna meet? X
Me (Fri 21:44): Anywhere that links to Kings Cross is good.
Crow (Sat 00:54): Let me see what lines r working in the morning r u sure that late is ok x
Me (Sat 00:57): It’s not that late? That’s when I get into London if I go after work sometimes. Looking forward to it. x
Crow (Sat 01:02): That’s cool then I just wanted to check! Might be easier if we meet round Piccadilly or Oxford Circus
Me (Sat 08:22): Hey are you defo going to be free from 7? I have a feeling you’re going to be hung over! Text me confirmation by 9.10 if you can! X
Crow (Sat 12:20): haha y that feeling? I’m just in Southend watching football game but can be there at 7, up to u if you want to make it tonight or another time, I hope ur theory went well x
Me (Sat 13:06): O yea passed with 100%. Only because you text me at 1am. Yes lets stick to the plans. I’ll be on oxford street at 6 to go shops. See ya around 7? X
Crow (Sat 15:03): awesome congrats, can we do tomo instead? I’m going to be so late back into London I think x

It might sound harsh but at this point I lost all remaining interest in Crow and decided to move on to the next date.
I believe that Crow had decided that our date was inconvenient by about Friday morning but didn’t have the balls to make a decision on that until about ....actually he never did make a decision. He tried to put me control the whole time by implicitly suggesting that I should call off the date. Man up in future crow! If you have to cancel then just do it and give as much notice as possible. If you feel bad for inconveniencing your date then simply apologise! Don’t be so passive or suggest that she needs to make the decision and don’t say that you can make a date when you blatantly know that you’re going to fail.
I had reserved my Saturday evening for him, bought a travel card into London and he was turning out to be a wiener of a let-down.

HOW TO CANCEL A DATE
 If you need to cancel because you have mismanaged your time or for any other reason simply say something like this:
“I am so sorry but I have to call tonight off. INSERT REASON. I hate to inconvenience you and still really want to meet up. I hope I can make it up to you soon and will be in touch.”
It might also help to give him/her a call.
 Even this message sounds rubbish but at least you’re being assertive, empathetic and honest. Don’t forget to GIVE AS MUCH NOTICE AS POSSIBLE. Even if you want to cancel but not rearrange for another time some manners and honesty will obviously help.
I still believe that Crow is a nice guy! From everything I know he seems quite fun but just not very reliable. When I told Alex about so-called date number 12 he laughed, “argh that is so typical. He is always bailing last minute even with his best friends”. A few months ago I read an article that suggested that every social group has a ‘chronic bailer’. This isn’t someone who says that they might not be able to make it and then doesn’t. This is someone who says they’re going to come and then bails out last minute. Everyone I have spoken to about this article has been able to relate to it.


I summarise the theories they gave for chronic bailers:
1)      The bailer knows that they can’t come but they are frightened of being rejected by the social circle so they say that they will come just to try and stay in the loop.
2)      The bailer is too passive to say no
3)      The bailer struggles to manage time
4)      The bailer is frightened of being lonely so they arrange more social engagements than they can manage to help ensure they are not alone
5)      The bailer rejects the group last minute as a way to feel wanted or superior
6)      The bailer tries to play ‘hard to get’ to try and get people to like them
7)      The bailer is seeking social approval of someone outside the group and so last minute decides to stay with that person
8)      The bailer is too passive-aggressive to admit responsibility for letting down other members of the group
9)      The bailer is just over anxious or lazy
10)   The bailer is not empathetic enough to realise that they are inconveniencing others
All of the above traits are apparently linked to low self esteem, high anxiety and high need for social approval. I am not sure how much of this agree with. But I bet we can all apply some of them to our circle’s bailers!
Who is your chronic bailer? Everyone has one. Maybe Crow is Alex’s?
As always Crow is a friend of a friend and I think that he is probably a really nice guy. Evidently though we are not at all compatible. From date12 I realised that witty humour, assertiveness and time-keeping on a first date are really important to me.

Would I go out with him again?
We didn’t even manage it the first time. I don’t want to try dating him again!

I have actually met him at a get together that Alex hosted. He is actually a great guy who is nice to talk to and a laugh! He also looks weirdly like Chris Martin, but we are friends material for each other.

What do other people say?
Sounds like Crow is a ‘nice guy’ but he’s he doesn’t sound like a good date! Or in Alex’s words
in my words you and Crow are not suited as Crow is quite a passive person and I believe you are more dynamic. I also think that apart from travelling you and Crow have nothing in common. I look forward to reading this one in particular”

Would I recommend him to a friend?
No

Date Planning  0
Rapport 5

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