Saturday, 28 January 2012

Why are You Still Single? How to Answer the Question



Why are you still single?

The Dreaded Question

I decided to write a list of potential responses to this question (see below).

As famously demonstrated by Bridget Jones, the question 'why are you still single?' is both dreaded and resented by most single people. And yet James, Sam and Darren all asked me on our blind date. Even the most confident of singletons find this question a little annoying. It's just awkward. and with me it's even more annoying like, "You went on 20 blind dates, so why the hell are you still single?" 

Situational Factors?

Using my friends for research, I asked them for their excuses for being single. We gathered the following:

1) "I'm focusing on my career". Err.... but the prime minister and plenty of big CEOs managed to find a wife. Unless you're a monk or your job requires complete social isolation, I don't think that your career is quite that demanding.
2) "I don't meet new people in my day to day life." you don’t meet people? Whaaaat? 
3) "I want to go travelling. I'm a free spirit." Not a good enough excuse. Free spirits need to get laid too. And we all need love.
4) "I need some time to be single. I'm going through a lot right now". This will only work for a limited amount of time.
5) "I'm in love with someone I can't have” or "I wont make a move yet incase I lose her" Tragic. Move on.
 
We concluded thus: The answer is obvious so don’t be a douche and don't ask the question.
A person is single because they have 
(a) not found someone that they liked enough who 
(b) liked them back enough. 

The reason that this question is horrible is because part (a) makes you feel big-headed and picky while part (b) makes you feel like a reject.



Sadly I don’t think that people are going to stop asking the question. I was so determined to find a solution that, while at work, I put down my exhilarating marketing spreadsheet and went for a walk around the office asking people for the best way to answer why they don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I asked all the single people except the ones who I thought might report me to HR for inappropriate behaviour. The most common response I received was "go away!” This might be the perfect answer, but it could also just be an indication that I was just really irritating my colleagues. 
The “Humour Approach”?

A joke! My favourite method for combating social awkwardness! However, be warned... jokes can also be the source of social awkwardness!
With James I decided to try to make a joke about still being single and told him that I think that I am single because I am just too desperate and clingy! You should have seen his face drop! I don't think I shall be testing that particular joke again. Here are some other spoof responses that we collated. I hope you like them:
Q: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?!”...............
“Two is a crowd.”

“Why are you [Blond/Chinese/fat/other random attribute]?”
“Because I like wearing my pyjamas all weekend and eating nutella straight from the jar.” 

“Because my bedroom is the only place where I can get away from people.”
 “If I told you I’d have to kill you.”
“To make all the married people jealous.”
I’ve not met anyone good enough and that meets my intellectual standard to converse with in meaningful matters”.
“I want my cat to grow up in a stable environment.”
“Beckham is still married”
“Angelina ran off with Brad”
 “I never give away top secrets.”
 “Because I can’t walk well attached to the hip.”
“I prefer to see myself as “relationship challenged”
“Because I have a disability: commitment deficient disorder”
“Because I don’t want to spoil my sex life”
“You tell me?” Then burst out crying
“Why are you still not splitting up/getting divorced?”
“I’m not done boozing and whoring”
“Why are you still with that bitch/creep?”
“I’m waiting for your son/daughter to turn 18”
“So I don’t have to cheat on my hand” or “I prefer masturbation” (although be warned. See my POST on masturbation)
“I’m quite satisfied just having an affair with your wife/husband”
“Because the last time I had sex I laid back and thought of England”
“Because I have only one pick up line ‘why the long face?’”
“Because I have a five o’clock shadow, on my ass”
“Why are you still alive?”
“Because I’m an asshole / bitch.”
“Because I’m playing the field”
“I lack confidence” you might even get a sympathy shag out of this one
“No one likes/fancies me” this one too
“I’m not willing to give up on love yet”
And my personal favourite – “Because I wrote a dating blog”

 When all has been said and done though I really think there is only really one way to deal with this problem: Get a partner! Throw all standards out the window and just get with the first person in your grasp. Then you won’t need to answer the ‘single question’ anymore.
Also a boyfriend/girlfriend might even be the perfect disguise to cover what a social retard you are.



4 comments:

  1. Ok a serious response now. People ask you that question because you seem like the perfect snap. Pretty, entertaining, loyal and most of all low self esteem. And best of all a totally filthy mind. The most convenient gf in the world.

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    Replies
    1. I don't know why I said convenient I meant to say lucky. As in if you ever do settle down he will be very lucky. Perfect gf

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  2. I love this post. Thank you for sharing your wacky mind with the rest of us

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