Who set me up this time?
Sneha
I met Sneha at university. The first night we went out I was really ill. I only went out because I didn’t want to stand up Rahul#1as he had organised the night. I insisted that we all went for pizza instead of going clubbing and Sneha didn’t like that much! Our next night out turned out to be incredibly strange. Have you ever heard of a Homosexual Scottish-Sikh Bhangra night? We hadn’t. But as we found out, it involves Punjabi men in kilts and turbans dancing crazy, kissing and groping lots of white Scottish men. We bonded over this very strange party and started going out regularly. Many wild nights later and we were good friends. Our adventures have gone abroad such as the lesbian fire escape in Prague, South African Mafia in Gambia, Saigon and the wildest of all nights ‘Ladies night in Lan Kwai Fong’. It was after the mental weekend in Lan Kwai Fong that Sneha dared me to go on the blind date marathon. I accepted and she said that she would set me up with a lovely good looking man who is long-term relationship quality.
What did I know about him?
Sam (not actual name) used to work with Sneha. I expected Sam to be a great catch, polite, with a good job and a lovely personality. She gave me no description other than ‘dark hair, tall enough for you to wear heels, dry sense of humour and loves music’. This is literally all I knew about Sam and so I was a bit nervous going to meet him.
First Impressions
We met at Farringdon station. Sam and I had exchanged text messages. He was always polite, responsive and sounded interested. He decided that he wanted to take me to a pub near his work as he said it had a great atmosphere. He checked with me that he wouldn’t lose marks for just taking me to the pub. I was happy with his less formal choice of venue. It was freezing cold December and I was not in the mood for dressing up anyway. I warned him that I would be wearing my very casual, comfy converse shearlings which thankfully he didn’t judge me for. I arrived at the station, called him and it turned out that he was at a different exit. He did not attempt to walk to me, which is what a more chivalrous man would have done but instead gave me excellent directions to find him. On greeting him I thought that Sam was warm and easy going. It was a decent introduction.
What Happened?
This is gonna be a long one so I’ve added subheadings
Good beginnings
We headed to the pub.
This date began well. Sam was open and easy to talk to. I instantly felt comfortable and interested in him. He asked me about my blog and reassured me that I should be as honest as possible and that he is very ‘thick skinned’. This is good news to me! I like someone who will put themselves in novel situations.
We chatted about my psychology degree. Sam laughingly asked me if my dating marathon was just a psychology experiment. Haha.. I guess he is not so far from the truth. Sam works in sales. It’s a neat job but I must admit that I have my stereotype guard up when I meet salesmen. They are sometimes full of shit. But Sam described himself as a nice, refreshingly honest guy who enjoys the immediate sense of achievement his job gives him. At this point I was pretty impressed with Sneha’s selection.
We ordered food. The only refined thing on the pub menu was steak. It looked quite expensive and I don’t even really enjoy steak so I went for the classic ‘chicken burger’. Sam seemed shocked at my choice. "Youre having a burger?!" he exclaimed. Then there was an awkward pause. On the advice of my friends, both male and female, I have been anticipating that the man pays on a date and I must appreciate his generosity. This is a bit old-fashioned, completely against my usual and maybe even harsh considering the fact that I am seeing multiple men. But I have stuck to this tradition and as a result I am now comfortable with appreciating a guy who treats me. Just as I was about to get my purse out, Sam got up to order for us both at the bar.
During our meal, Sam spoke about his love of music and explained that he wants to be a DJ. He seemed really confident and fun-loving. Sam was right about not being a typical sales person. He didn’t sell himself on this date at all. This was nice in some ways. I am not looking for a bragger. But on the other hand he almost talked himself down. Sam revealed a few funny and embarrassing facts. For example as a child he was known as ‘BSE boy’ because his mother would not let him eat beef or gelatine post-BSE crisis. He also has a fear of cats and was attacked by one once (nooo lagerblush loves cats). Animal attacks also came from a screaming, squeaking squirrel that ran up his leg. After this point I believed that Sam was no macho man but he was very funny.
Mothers and Exes
Early on in the date, as a reference to my psychology degree Sam asked me if any of my dates have made terrible mistakes like talking too much about their mother. No they haven’t but several have talked too much about their exes I told him! To be honest I did prompt the conversations but it is an incredible irony that later on in the date Sam started talking about ….exes and his mother!
I have to be fair here, because of the whole ‘20 dates blog’ thing, I think that a lot of my dates have not behaved in the way that they normally would on a date. I think many dates have felt pressured to explain their past experiences and views on singledom and dating. It is almost as if some men have viewed our date like an interview on dating. Sam was a prime example of this. He opened up a lot more than I would expect a first date to.
Sam told me that he has been single for about 4 years. I really hate to be crude but my first thoughts were, “how the hell have you been relieving yourself in the meantime?! You must have had flings?!” Actually four years is not THAT long and I am not quite sure how he was defining a relationship.
Next Sam went on to say that he found his exes too demanding of his time and resources. He explained that he is a really nice generous person but he felt that his girlfriends were too pushy, expected him to pay for things etc… etc. Sam said that he is not a prowler at all. All of his relationships and even flings were not his idea. He just went along with them because the girl put the idea into his head and his resistance gave in! I had to ask, “so you’ve never actually got with a girl it being your idea?!” Reluctantly Sam affirmed this. Somehow this put me off. I like a chase.
Sam said that he normally sees girls as just friends. This is similar to me with men. “In fact”, Sam said. “Right now, I don’t even see this as a date. I just see this as two people meeting up as friends”. O great..! Actually, until this point, I had stupidly thought that the date was going well.
Sam said that he normally sees girls as just friends. This is similar to me with men. “In fact”, Sam said. “Right now, I don’t even see this as a date. I just see this as two people meeting up as friends”. O great..! Actually, until this point, I had stupidly thought that the date was going well.
Sam explained that he finds it hard to trust people. I asked him if he trusts even his parents. He explained that he doesn’t even trust his mother!
By this point we were on our third pint. He had bought the first two and I had got the third. I wondered if the beer was making him sentimental. He had wolfed down his dinner but seemed to nurse his pint for a long time. I offered to get a fourth but he declined as he still had 3/4. I gladly got one for myself as I thought it would be good to take the edge off his interesting but intense conversation.
Why should a man pay for a date?
I’m sure Sam didn’t really mean it in this way but the next part of the date felt like an attack. I think he was only being socio-philosophical. But I felt uncomfortable.
Sam said something like this...
Sam: “Why should a man pay for a date? Surely men and women should be equals. Like partners. I’m a generous guy though. I pay for my younger female cousins sometimes. I used to pay for my annoying ex-girlfriends and they were disgusted with me if I ever asked them to contribute.”
I said: “Yea, I definitely agree. All relationships should be equal in give and take. I think that I always give as good as I get in relationships.”
Sam said: “Really? Well what do you give then? Tell me, what do YOU do for a man?”
Sam: “Why should a man pay for a date? Surely men and women should be equals. Like partners. I’m a generous guy though. I pay for my younger female cousins sometimes. I used to pay for my annoying ex-girlfriends and they were disgusted with me if I ever asked them to contribute.”
I said: “Yea, I definitely agree. All relationships should be equal in give and take. I think that I always give as good as I get in relationships.”
Sam said: “Really? Well what do you give then? Tell me, what do YOU do for a man?”
This point was interesting but cringe-worthy. I don’t really think that Sam meant to make me feel in the firing line but I did. Maybe it was a guilty conscience but it felt like Sam was really criticising me for expecting him to pay for my pub dinner. I told him that I spent plenty of money on my ex-boyfriend. When he was still in training and I was working full time, I used to pay for his groceries. And when we broke up and he became a successful banker and barrister I didn’t expect anything back. But he did buy me some lovely thank you presents anyway. Also, I regularly pay for younger relatives and friends who are unemployed. Personally, I don’t feel resentful about it. It’s my pleasure and I don't think I could date a man who feels resentful about treating people. At this point I was a little tipsy and said something along these lines:
Me: “you really think that men are the socially disadvantaged sex? And also what about ...periods?"
Sam: “But you don’t have them that often do you?”
Me: “12 times per year ffs! So just pay the extra £20 and shut up!” Dont really know why I said that. Think I was just being facetious and thankfully it worked. At this point Sam laughed and we changed the subject. Phew!
Paying for someone and then complaining about it afterwards is just annoying and makes you come across as sour.
I don’t want a girlfriend
We continued the in-depth discussion on why Sam doesn’t like formal dating. He said that he finds the set up superficial. Sam also believes that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Sam says that he is happy and content being single so why would he change that? I told Sam that I think it is great that he doesn’t feel the need for a partner. Needy people are a real turn off. If he had said that he doesn't want a girlfriend because he prefers playing around I would have been able to understand more. But personally I think that Sam just feels more 'comfortable' being single then he does 'content'.
It was time to go home. The date ended well and Sam text me to check that I got back to Hertfordshire OK.
The date started brilliantly. A lot of things about Sam intrigued me. But I believe that I am attracted to men who love women and not just as friends. I like a man to be proactive, not mushy or romantic, but to know exactly what he wants. I thought that Sam was really interesting and kind but his reluctance put him in the friend zone. To be fair, he seemed to put me in there first!
I feel like this is one of my harshest posts. I got Sam to read this post and his words were that his ego has taken a bruise and he didn't mean to come across like that. He said that he can kind of see where I was coming from but some things that he said sound worse out of context. But Sam was actually one of my most interesting dates!
I feel like this is one of my harshest posts. I got Sam to read this post and his words were that his ego has taken a bruise and he didn't mean to come across like that. He said that he can kind of see where I was coming from but some things that he said sound worse out of context. But Sam was actually one of my most interesting dates!
Would I see him again?
Despite the great beginning to our date, I am still thinking that Sam is more friendship material than romance. Especially because he said it himself!
What have other people said?
One colleague jokingly put it that, “he moaned about paying for a pub meal? Bet he spends that much on jazz mags per week.” Another crassly put it, “sounds like he’s a solo player mate.” And lastly one friend/colleague said, “I think you are over thinking this. Getting with someone simply depends on finding that spark with someone. For some people you can feel a spark every week. For another you can go 4 years without a spark. ”
Would I recommend him to a friend?
Yes, but I would recommend he treats her without moaning about it. It’s not a man’s duty to pay or anything but it is sweet when they do.
Date Planning 7
Rapport 8
Sweetness 6.5
This was date 18 in my dating marathon. Click the links below to read about my other dates.
Date 1: A – Full frontal nudity
Date 2: Seb – A man in tights
Date 3: Alan - the softy
Date 4: Christian – Hot Trinidadian
Date 5: Darren – Too into his ex
Date 6: Charles – Trainwreck part I
Date 6.5 Charles – part II Wait a minute Kelyn, What are you doing?
Date 7: Nick the Greek
Date 8: Brett – Poptart
Date 9: Mark – Bowling and Politics
Date 10: Martin – FAIL
Martin’s Perspective
Date 11: Daniel – DILF
Date 12: Crow – Chronic Bail
Date 13: Jubilee –French Accent
Date 14: Dan – A Black man in Waitrose?
Date 15: James – Relationships are like Laptops
Date 16: Cooper – The Booty Call
Date 17: Brendan – When a man Out-dresses You
Date18: Sam – The Reluctant Dragon
Date 19: Ami – My Lesbian One Night Stand
Date 20: Devontay – If I were a few years younger...
Date 2: Seb – A man in tights
Date 3: Alan - the softy
Date 4: Christian – Hot Trinidadian
Date 5: Darren – Too into his ex
Date 6: Charles – Trainwreck part I
Date 6.5 Charles – part II Wait a minute Kelyn, What are you doing?
Date 7: Nick the Greek
Date 8: Brett – Poptart
Date 9: Mark – Bowling and Politics
Date 10: Martin – FAIL
Martin’s Perspective
Date 11: Daniel – DILF
Date 12: Crow – Chronic Bail
Date 13: Jubilee –French Accent
Date 14: Dan – A Black man in Waitrose?
Date 15: James – Relationships are like Laptops
Date 16: Cooper – The Booty Call
Date 17: Brendan – When a man Out-dresses You
Date18: Sam – The Reluctant Dragon
Date 19: Ami – My Lesbian One Night Stand
Date 20: Devontay – If I were a few years younger...
